Cloverfield, Live Free or Die Hard, Wristcutters: A Love Story and more Reviewed

WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY ( 2007 )
When Patrick Fugit (Almost Famous) commits suicide over a break-up, he ends up in a bizarro-world purgatory which is just like the living world - but exponentially suckier. It’s impossible to smile or experience any real happiness but that doesn’t keep him from befriending Shannyn Sossamon (whom I haven’t drooled over since Rules of Attraction). When he’s informed that his ex has done herself in too he teams up with Sossamon and netherworld pal, a cranky Russian rocker, in classic road-movie style. Fugit is looking for his girlfriend and Sossamon is looking for whomever is in charge so she can plead her case. (She accidentally OD’d — not an intentional suicide). Considering the subject matter WALS is surprisingly sweet, funny — even marginally romantic. Tom Waits has a significant role and Arrested Development’s Will Arnett has a brief funny appearance as a Jones-style cult leader who’s responsible for dragging his followers into pergutory with him via mass suicide. Don’t be put off by the subject matter and end up missing this soft-spoken, played-straight comedy.
***

CLOVERFIELD ( 2007 )
Though undeserving of its Internet buzz, Cloverfield is entertaining enough and probably what 1998’s unforgivably bad Godzilla should have been. A giant monster comes ashore and begins demolishing Manhattan during a good-bye party for one of the young primaries. A cast of relative unknowns gab their way through the slow-moving first half hour (at said party), meant to introduce their characters as likeable twenty-somethings. But it fails in that regard because I didn’t really like any of them enough to care if they live or die. The whole thing is shot on digital video by “the characters” to give the feel of real-time action. It kinda works — but of course, the primary flaw with this strategy is who the hell is going to continue shooting footage when the shit really hits the fan? The monster looks better than I’d expected and the effects are…well, effective. I particularly liked the mini-monsters pouring off the main monster. (Godzilla 98 attempted something similar but only succeeded in refilming the raptor attack from Jurrasic Park). Racheting up some of the action’s plausability would probably have made it a stronger movie, but rational or not, there’s enough panic in the streets to strike that 9/11 chord in you, elevating the tension and suspense — even if attempts at true horror fail. That said, the real Godzilla still might want to call his lawyer.
**1/2

LET’S GO TO PRISON ( 2006 )
From the sub-genre I like to call the What-else-could-possibly-go-wrong movie, LGtP is a slight but consistently funny prison comedy. Will Arnett plays the son of a judge who’s responsible for the incarceration of Dax Shepard. When Arnett lands himself in the clink Shepard makes it his job to construct the most painful prison experience possible for his naive and overprivelaged new cellmate. There are some clever twists but all of the prison comedy cliches (see: flamboyantly gay big bad black guy. Oh the hilarity.) are trotted out as if they weren’t mortally beaten horses. Most of the laughs are generated by Arnett’s distressed mugging. This was directed by Bob Odenkirk of HBO’s Mr. Show with Bob and David.
**

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD ( 2007 )
The third sequel in the Die Hard franchise is the best without a doubt and the closest in spirit to the superior original. Bruce Willis’ John McClane is circumstantially paired with hacker, Justin “Mac guy” Long, to stop a virtual terrorist (Timothy Olyphant) hellbent on creating chaos by pulling the plug on everything that keeps our proud nation chugging forward. After orhestrating the world’s biggest traffic jam (by turning all lights green at once), and crippling the stockmarket, the east coast’s major utility services are next unless McClane can find a way to stop him.  Naturally plausibility takes a hike about ten minutes in but that’s the way things go in this series. The scope of LFoDH is far broader than even Die Hard with Avengence, straining beyond state lines – and while the “city on fire” machinations are the same as in that sequel, it certainly feels like there’s a lot more at risk here and as a story arc it’s surprisingly effective. In a “post-9/11 world” everyone can relate to the fear of the rational world crumbling. Olyphant makes a decidedly menacing villain — probably the most sinister of the series – and that his plot is an act of venomous revenge makes his character even more dastardly. McClane has evidently graduated, with this outing, to being an indestructable superhero – which doesn’t allow for much suspense, but the over-the-top set pieces pay off anyway. The buddy-cop-style relationship between Long and Willis, while lacking any real chemistry, is passable and less cloying than it might have been. As McClane’s daughter, the perfectly adorable (and capable) Mary Elizabeth Winstead is wasted, though she’s still given significantly more to do than past pic peril-bait, Bonnie Bedelia. And natch, Willis is never more endearing or entertaining as when he’s playing McClane. An 18-wheeler goes head to head with a fighter jet in one of the silliest action sequences in movie history. Though spectacular and impressive considering it’s almost certainly 80% digitally rendered, it also signals that LFoDH has flown wildly off the tracks and things wind down to a dissappointingly flat conclusion. Despite that, some meteor-sized gaps in logic (car chases on streets that should be clogged with abandoned vehicles), and a two-hour-and-fifteen-minute running time (!), LFoDH is briskly paced and engaging enough to be a new fave over-the-top actioner. Maggie Q (who?) is a smoking hot kung-fu co-villain who carries the movie’s best fight sequence. Kevin Smith has a moderately funny small roll as a tubby fanboy (who’s acting?) superhacker.
***

VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET ( 1965 )
A textbook case of Roger Corman frugality — VttPP is made up of about 75% recycled footage from a 1962’s Russian sci-fi movie. It’s cut together with newly filmed footage of Basil (Sherlock Holmes) Rathbone and Faith Domergue (This Island Earth) on cheap sets, communicating, via radio, with the Russian movie’s characters(!). There’s actually a significant bit of artistry involved with the way this is all put together and the effects in the scenes from the source material are amazingly good for the era. The story is simple enough: two space crews travel to Venus (”with an atmoshere so similar to our own”) where they face killer plants, lizard men, etc. There’s a pretty useless robot named John and some laughable “underwater” scenes, but otherwise the effects are convincingly otherworldly. In the wrap-around scenes Rathbone practically reads from his script while Domergue appears to be acting under the influence of valium. Unbelievably — Corman would recycle the Russian footage AGAIN three years later in a version featuring Mamie Van Doren that’s directed by Peter Bogdanovich (under psuedonymn)!
**

VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN ( 1968 )
Yet another recycling of the relatively impressive Russian sci-fi movie, Planet of Storms — this time narrated and directed by Peter Bogdanovich with appearances by a sadly long-in-the-tooth Mamie Van Doren (worshipping a pterodactyl God with other bathing beauties all dolled-up in clam-shell bras and glittery hip-huggers!). The story is the same in this third go-round — astronauts go to Venus. Fight monsters. Find proof of life. Leave Venus. Watching VtoPoPW back-to-back with Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (a feat not recommended for b-movie amateurs), makes for an interesting case study in inventive editing and bargain-basement production. VthPP fares better (in which the humanoid Venusians are only eluded too, rather than manifesting as telepathic mermaids) but either makes for fascinating (if sometimes confounding) b-movie viewing.
**

Truffle Shuffle Tuesday Vol. 3: Walk Hard, Ultraviolet, Attack from Space and An American Crime Reviewed

WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY ( 2007 )
John C. Reilly is finally utilized in a comedy deserving of his gifts. WH perfectly parodies music biopics, cribbing laughs from every conceivable cliché in that genre. While it takes most of its cues from the Johnny Cash story, Walk the Line, everything from Ray, Great Balls of Fire, LaBamba, Sweet Dreams and The Doors provides WH with a bottomless supply of familiar melodrama touchstones. A childhood tragedy (a young Dewey Cox accidentally slices his favored brother in half with a machete) sets the stage for a rise-to-fame/fall-from-grace/come-out-on-top epic life story that you’d expect from the serious-minded source material. Cox has the expected bouts with infidelity, drug addictions and career destruction and plenty of “turning points” like dropping acid with the Beatles (played by Jack Black, Jason Shwartzman, Paul Rudd and the Mac computer commercial guy) and an incomprehensible backstage pep talk from a strung-out Elvis (played by the White Stripes’ Jack White!). WH is packed with laughs and funnier to the Gill Man than the good but universally overrated This is Spinal Tap. Jenna Fischer is perfect and surprisingly sexy as Cox’s duet-sharing, friend-turned-second-wife love interest. WH is both smart and raunchy making it low-brow comedy that you don’t have to be ashamed of laughing at.
***1/2

ULTRAVIOLET ( 2006 )
Milla Jovovich continues her fruitful career as a sexy kick-ass genre darling. A nice companion piece to her Resident Evil outings, UV is a comic book-oh! Excuse me-graphic novel-inspired sci-fi actioner with style to spare, but not much else. In the future a virus splits the human race into hemophages (those infected) and non-hemophages. Set in an almost entirely CGI world, Jovovich’s Violet is a member of a crusading group of the infected and she spends the entire movie fighting (sword fighting, fist fighting, gun fighting) the evil corporate powers that control her world. Her infection evidently has its perks in that she has ridiculously perfect reflexes, strength and fighting ability. Why? Who the hell knows? Managing to be both confusing and simple-minded at the same time, UV is content to move from fight scene to fight scene with graciously short bursts of exposition here and there. Jovovich is hot, like always, and naturally graces us with the expected “partial nudity” scene that she’s trotted out in nearly every movie she’s made - from Return to Blue Lagoon to The Fifth Element to the above-mentioned RE series. UV is easy on the eyes with its shiny faux exteriors, bold colors and futuristic anime aesthetic, but it’s all flash and far too hollow to recommend. That same year’s Aeon Flux had a lot of the same problems in addition to wasting Charlize Theron.
**

AN AMERICAN CRIME ( 2007 )
A wholly unpleasant affair that is redeemed by fine performances and historical accuracy (much of the dialogue is taken directly from court transcripts). Katherine Keener is, Gertrude Baniszewski, a decidedly troubled widow who temporarily takes in the two daughters of a traveling circus family in hopes that the twenty bucks a week she is promised will help her make ends meet. Juno’s Ellen Page is the elder daughter, who doesn’t take long to figure out that this arrangement is going to absolutely suck. Keener, already the mother of seven, takes out her angst and frustration on the two new children in her care, with misguided discipline doled out for bogus reasons. When their parents’ checks come late, the type of punishment administered quickly spirals out of control leading to the kind of torture and abuse you’d expect from a Saw movie rather than a true crime tale. When the neighborhood kids are invited into the basement to abuse and assault Page, you realize that you’re never going to want to watch this movie again. From cigarette burns to sexual assaults with Coke bottles - it’s really hard to imagine how things could get much uglier. But, sadly, they do. Though well-made and packed with really great performances - particularly by many of the unknown young actors - the only thing that seems to be missing here is a point to justify the existence of documenting this dark chapter in the annals of American crime. Recommended but with strong reservations. AAC is fascinating but an afternoon-ruiner to be sure.
***

ATTACK FROM SPACE (1964)
Starman, a superhero from beyond the stars, has come to earth from the planet Emerald (?) to save us from the aliens and their earthling co-conspirators. His three super powers, which he proudly rattles off, are the ability to fly, speak and understand any earth language, and detect cosmic radioactivity (??). With the help of a young sibling duo and their scientist grandfather, the team infiltrates the underground bunker of the verrrry Nazi-like bad guys where much heroics and awkwardly-staged fight scenes occur. Starman has some serious paunch in his shiny spandex uniform and his flying scenes are hilariously unconvincing, but this priceless piece of early Japanese sci-fi is outrageously watchable - especially the fight scenes which look less like violence and more like West Side Story dance numbers. It’s a public-domain classic that is probably available from a zillion different sources. Starman appeared in several related films (Evil Brain from Outer Space and Atomic Rulers) and AFS is actually two serial shorts spliced into one feature. It’s hokey but sincere and impossible to resist.
***

“KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!” Body-Snatcher and Pod-People Flicks Reviewed

DISTURBING BEHAVIOR ( 1998 )
All the popular kids at transfer, James Mardsen’s, new high school belong to a parent and school-board sanctioned club called “the blue ribbons.” Mardsen, a paranoid alterna-kid, an albino(!) and hardass outsider, Katie Holmes, know things aren’t what they seem when the BRs begin to successfully recruit the punks and druggies who, overnight, turn into clean-cut letter-sweater-wearin’, A-students with deadly sex-drives, nasty tempers and a taste for frozen yogurt and Wayne Newton.  The Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets Scooby-Doo plot is appropriately far-fetched, over-the-top and riddled with plot holes, but there are plenty of interesting twists and some legit suspense to make this one of the better post-Scream teen-horror cash-ins. By the time we reach the big finale in a (woefully managed) psycho sanitarium, any remaining logic has been tossed aside for a few cheap shocks - including an impressive Clockwork Orange-style brain scrubbing - and a couple of decent laughs.
***

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS ( 1978 )
Brooke Adams, Donald Sutherland, Jeff Goldblum and Leonard Nimoy all star in this, the second crack at Jack Finney’s classic cold-war sci-fi story. Though drenched in dreary 70s atmospherics and self-serious in a way that makes this all far less fun that it probably should be, there’s no denying the chills provided by the sharp script and daring (for the era) effects. (Dig that human faced dog.) Sutherland’s final-scene howl still sends shivers down the Gill Man’s spine.
**1/2

FACULTY, THE ( 1998 )
The Faculty, from Dawson’s Creek/I Know What You Did Last Summer-writer, Kevin Williamson, is the one Robert Rodriguez movie that feels nothing at all like a Robert Rodriguez movie. A very standard teen horror story covers a lot of the same territory as that same year’s Disturbing Behavior –but has its own goofy approach to the same material via shape-shifting sci-fi aliens. These alien soul-snatchers make quick work of the titular teacher’s-lounge lizards at Elijah Wood and Josh Hartnett’s High School, turning them into malevolent (and hella thirsty) PTAers bent on world domination. But who’s the host for these toxic teachers and how can they be stopped? Inspired casting includes Bebe Neuwirth, Salma Hayek, Piper Laurie, Robert Patrick and Jon Stewart as members of the infected faculty. Annoying online critic, Harry Knowles, has a few annoying cameos. Stewart gets stabbed in the eye in an appreciated gore gag. That the school’s drug dealer is the movie’s hero is fun as is the fact that ultimately it’s drug abuse that saves the world. The last half hour is an exercise in big-budget overkill and the flick’s flippant approach undermines any true horror or suspense — but there are plenty of fun performances and effects-heavy frivolity to make this a worthy watch.
** ½

BODY SNATCHERS ( 1993 )
Abel Ferrara’s take on the oft-mined pod-people story uses a military base for its backdrop and army brat, Gabrielle Anwar, as its heroine. R. Lee Ermy is the base commander and Forest Whitaker is a medical officer who knows something is up. Meg Tilly as Anwar’s step mom is suitably creepy as one of the earliest snatched characters. Ferrara’s got plenty of experience with building tension and it’s put to decent use here. However, there are a few too many cat and mouse chases and it’s not nearly as fun to see military grunts drained of their personalities - and let’s be honest, Anwar is no Kevin McCarthy. We’re pleased she was persuaded to doff her top for one of the big metamorphosis scenes and appreciate the pod-person howl, a hold-over from the 70s adaptation. Though it offers its fair share of uneasy moments, there’s not enough characterization in BS to justify its humorless melodrama.
**

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956)
Even though every decade seems to offer its own version of Jack Finney’s original story (some decades offer several) nothing tops the Cold War-inspired dread and confusion of the first adaptation. Kevin McCarthy attempts to out smart, out think and out run the pod people that have infiltrated his community, replacing friends and neighbors with cold and unfeeling though impeccable physical facsimiles. The entire who-can-you-trust plot takes some surprising sharp turns and the impending doom of a world gone alien (read: communist) keeps viewers clinging to McCarthy as a singular source of humanity and reason. When he takes to the streets in the finale’ warning to “keep watching the skies!” you’re left devastated by the realization that there is no escaping and the whole nightmarish war has left the last man standing with little to live for. IotBS is a classic for a reason and stands as a rare example (like Psycho) of an old-school shocker that’s every bit as engrossing and shocking today.
****

Gill-Ty Pleasure Thursday: Movie Musicals

MUSICALS — You won’t find too many straight men who admit they enjoy the occasional musical, but the Gill Man is comfortable enough with his sexuality to stand up and be counted. Here are a few musicals I’ve screened over the past few months that walk the line between cult flick and big gay musical production. This is why we call it Gill-Ty Pleasure Thursdays. Okay?

HAIRSPRAY (2007)
Being a big fan of John Waters’ original non-musical Hairspray (arguably his best, most well-rounded feature), I was ready to hate this version, based on the stage musical of the same name. Despite the stunt casting of John Travolta in terrifying drag and pounds of latex as the heroine’s mom, there’s no denying the chripy charm of what’s been done with Waters’ story. It’s the story of Tracy Turnblad (Nikki Blonsky), a fat teen girl living in Baltimore on the cusp of social segregation. Racial conflict is observed in the context of The Corny Collins Show, a local teen dance show in the American Bandstand format, that reserves one day a week for black teens to strut their stuff (”Negro Day”). Tracy with the help of her best friend (a deliciously cute Amanda Bynes), her new hoofer crush (High School Musical pretty boy, Zach Effron) and Negro Day host, Motormouth Mabel (Queen Latifah) pretty much lead a revolution, bringing televised dancy equality to Baltimore to the dismay of evil TV program manager (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her snot-nosed teen queen daughter. The songs are decent though they begin to sound a lot alike as we move into the second hour. One of the things that made the source material so great was Waters’ impeccable ear for period music to fill his soundtracks. None of those great songs are here and it’s a strike against the idea of turning Hairspray into a musical. That the teen dancers in this version never boogie down to the “Mashed Potato Time” or do “the Madison” is a crime. But overall, for a two hour running time, things move along briskly and some of the more inspired casting makes the whole affair fun. Rikki Lake, who played teen tracy in the original, has a cameo as does Waters’ (as a flasher in the opening number!). Christopher Walken plays Tracey’s father and husband to Travolta’s character. They tango and make allusions to sex. The implications of that coupling will provide plenty of material for some inevitable nightmares. Sweet, sincere and faithful to its roots but filled with wall-to-wall numbers that are hardly memorable.
***

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986)
Based on the off-Broadway musical which, itself, is based on Roger Corman’s 60s cheap-o quicky, LSoH is a musical that gets just about everything right. The source material is really only used as a story framework, but everything else is uniquely inspired. In short, a giant flytrap from outer space lands in the hands of a nerdy flower shop employee (Rick Moranis) who must feed the botanical nightmare blood to keep it alive, and keep business booming. Steve Martin’s turn as a villainous sadistic dentist provides the movie’s best number and performance. Moranis is no singer but he belts it out with believable heart as does love interest, Audrey, played by Ellen Green who played the same character in the original stage production. The stage version’s unhappy ending was clipped from the film’s final cut after test screenings boo-hoo’d over it. Instead we’re left with a generic sci-fi throw-down that feels misplaced and lets the air out of the final 20 minutes. One original song written specifically for the movie, “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space,” was nominated for an Oscar(!).  Frank Miss-Piggy-Yoda-Fozzie-Bear Oz directs. John Candy, Christopher Guests and Bill Murray (as a masochistic dental patient) all make funny brief appearances. If you haven’t seen the original Corman cult-status classic, you should.
***

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, THE (1975)
Based on Richard O’Brian’s original stage show (The Rocky Horror Show) this campy ode to 50s sci-fi, Americana, sexploitation and cross-dressing is truly one bizarre (and ambitious) flick. Obviously, it’s become more of a pop phenomenon than a movie but strip away the midnight showings, the obnoxious fans and the audience participation and you’re left with…well…SOMEthing. The entire show has Tim Curry to thank for everything. As Frank N. Furter a “sweet transvestite” from the planet Transexual in the galaxy of Transylvania (no, seriously), Curry minces, stomps and belts out the tunes like no one else. He’s a commanding presence who never seemed to find the niche he deserved in post-Rocky pics. A young and very sexy Susan Sarandon plays one half of a wholesome couple who stumble upon Furter’s castle/spaceship during an alien convention (just in time to witness “The Time Warp”). Before long they’re seduced, betrayed and dropped in drag by their host and his domestic help — RHPS creator O’Brian and Patricia Quinn. The central story is a Frankenstein-esque fable: Curry’s alien scientist attempts a second draft of his ideal “perfect man” (the first being Meat Loaf!) — only to be betrayed by said creation when he corrupts young Sarandon’s good girl, Janet Weiss. It’s hard to see RHPS with virgin eyes after many-a midnight viewings in my teen years, but at it’s core it’s actually a very sweet and endearing love letter to genre movies that has some interesting points to make about gender roles. The pacing is off in many places (a common pitfall of stage-to-movie adapatations) and the sets range from passable to cheaply stupid, but overrall RHPS still holds up as big campy fun.
**1/2

SHOCK TREATMENT (1981)
A sequel to Rocky Horror Picture Show is a concept with potential, but this truly bizarre, dreary spin-off is a fascinating misfire. Written by RHPS creator, Richard O’Brian, Shock Treatment is really “the further adventures of Brad and Janet,” portrayed here by Cliff DeYoung and Jessica Harper. Their hometown, Denton, is part smalltown America and part TV studio (?!) where the daily lives of characters play out in literal soap operas, game shows and doctor dramas. The plot is all about Brad getting his groove back so that he’s not such a wuss. O’Brian and Patricia Quinn return in new roles than the ones they played in RHPS — but these characters ALSO happen to be incestuous twins. What’s most disappointing about ST is that the music is solid and some numbers top RHPS’ best - but great songs are framed by a bad, confusing and outrageously UGLY movie that doesn’t seem to know what it’s actually trying to do or say. Worth a look for fans of Rocky Horror and rock musicals. All others are best advised to steer clear.
*1/2

“Night of the Creeps,” “The Quiet” and “Teenage Gang Debs” Reviewed

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (1986)
Despite forcing the worst horror movie hero in cinematic history on us (Jason Lively: Russ from National Lampoon’s European Vacation), Night of the Creeps is an impressively tight hour and a half of 50-style monster movie goodness that riffs on old favorites while offering a few surprises of its own. After an impressive b&w 50s flashback-prologue, NotC jumps to the present (well, 1986 anyway) where an extraterrestrial scourge of high-speed slugs that enter you through the mouth and eat your brain have been thawed out of cryogenic hybernation to turn some unfortunate Corman University students (Corman! Get it?!) into the walking dead.  Dork hero and his dork parapellegic pal must save the day, save the comely sorority girl (that she even KINDA goes for Russ is more implausable than any of the sci-fi plot rationalizations) and kick the ass of the zombified frat boys with a little help from broken cop, Tom Atkins (yay!) and a flamethrower. Lots of gore and pre-digital effects kick things up a star or two — and while I appreciate the genre in-joking, naming characters after horror directors is a little too over the wink-nudge top for my taste.  This is an above-average 80s slice of drive-in-style popcorn fun. Pair it up with something like Critters or Return of the Living Dead and you’ve got yourself a helluva retro Saturday-night double feature.
** 1/2

THE QUIET (2005)
Here’s a surprisingly cerebral exploitation shocker that’s as sick as it is smart and features top performances that give it a lift of respectability. Deaf teen misfit, Dot (Camilla Bell), is forced to stay with in-laws after her pop is run over by a truck(!). Unfortunately she’s traded familial heartbreak for familial fucktuptitude in the form of a heinous new household. A family led by Martin Donovan, an inestuous papa preying on uberHAWT jailbait daughter, Elisha Cuthbert, while pill-popping matriarch, Edie Falco, stands doped-up on the sidelines. Deliberate pacing builds some impressive tension and some extremely hard-to-watch scenes deliver the gawdy exploitation goods as suburban secrets and lies tangle two teen girls’ lives into some pretty disturbing knots, culminating in a brutal resolution that pays off without copping out. Sexy, sinister and compulsively watchable, TQ is an under-observed psycho-thriller with art-house chops.
***

TEENAGE GANG DEBS (1966)
If you want to see what the Gill Man considers the end-all, be-all of 60s cool, see Teenage Gang Debs. Gritty, b&w, New York cinematography meets tough-talking teen gangs, with a Lady Macbeth-style anti-heroine named Terry who waltzes in and takes over The Rebels (okay - not the most invintive gang name) via a clawing, biting, blouse-ripping cat fight that propells her to top “Old Lady” status with tough teen biker bad-ass Johnny. A brutal gang rape sets the tone for this low-budget adolecent tough-as-nails urban noir.  These troubled teens dress as sharp as their switchblades and are always ready to rumble. The law of the gang is the only law they know and they follow their leader in lockstep until a whole lotta trouble shows up in the form of Terry — all Shangri-Lah’d out in tight sweaters, leather, teased hair and black eyeliner. She’s new to town and wants to take over. After seducing Johnny, the top cat makes a mistake by demanding she get used to the idea that he’s gonna brand her to stake ownership. ALL his old lady’s do it. But Terry’s not just any hot mama and she’s nobody’s fool. We see the first signs of what’s to come when, after Johnny steps out, she rolls over in bed and hisses, “Nuts to you, buster! Nobody’s gonna cut me up!” She next beds the gang’s second banana, Nino, turns him on Johnny, and after a knife duel leaves Johnny dead and Nino in charge, Terry’s decided she’s just getting started. Diane Conti — where have you gone?! There’s next to nothing available about her and only one other documented film credited to her name. Her chilly/sexy line delivery greased with a badass Brooklyn accent and her raven-haired hotness make her an unbeatable genre presence that makes TGD perfect for repeat viewings. Sweetening the pot is a smooth, jazzy soundtrack of incidental music and two stand-out “pop tunes” written for the film’s dance hall stomp sessions (”Black Belt” and “Don’t Make Me Mad”) complete with coreography and the makings for a dance craze that was never destined to catch on. So tallying it all up: authentic period music and locations, mod aesthetic, knife fights, cat fights, biker rumbles, sex, rape, revenge, bad guys, badder girls and Diane Fucking Conti knocking every goddamn scene out of the park…TGD is about as good as it gets. And it never got that good again. Dig?
****

Truffle Shuffle Tuesday Vol.2 - Frontier(s), Fantastic 4 and 2 HBO Movies Reviewed

FRONTIER(S) ( 2008 )
This French-made blood bath follows the familiar (and reliable) Texas Chainsaw Massacre template. On the lam after a heist during a riot sparked by a controversial Franco-election, four young criminals (one a pregnant, guilt-crippled girl) find their way to a peaceful-seeming (seeming!) inn, en route to Amsterdam. Unfortunately for them the place is thick with cannibal Nazis living in a bizarre familial cult. Within the first half hour the gore-splattered survival horror begins and there’s little time to breath on the way to the ultra-violent, though thought-provoking finale. Frontier(s) scores big with beautifully cold earthy cinematography, effectively inducing dread. There are plenty of visceral thrills and enough smart surprising moments, great charachterization and solid performances to make this a stand-out not to be dismissed as the kind of torture-porn crap pushed by Rob Zombie and Eli Roth.
***

ROMAN POLANSKI: WANTED AND DESIRED ( 2008 )
This made-for-HBO doc offers a fairly nonjudgemental look at the genius/perv director’s 1978 conviction for the statutory rape of a 13 year old girl and the dramatic life that led up to it. Some time is spent on his devastation over the murder of his wife, Sharon Tate, at the hands of Charles Manson’s “family” — but the primary focus is the rape case, the difference between European and American reactions to that case and the unbelievable legal clusterfuck that forced him to flee the country soon after. (He’s never returned to America and would be immediately arrested if he did). There’s some nice use of soundtrack music from his biggest hit, Rosmary’s Baby, and judiciously doled out clips of his oveure. There are several illuminating clips from  old interviews as well as new interviews with the people that knew him best (not to mention, a few moments spent with the rape victim today). It’s all surprisingly less skeezy than it sounds and probably one of the best bio-docs I’ve seen, on par with Crumb.
***

RECOUNT ( 2008 )
This made-for-HBO movie is a nicely-balanced all-star take on the weeks directly following the 2000 Bush/Gore election fiasco. No matter whose side you’re on, you have to appreciate the straightforward stick-to-the-facts historically-accurate screenplay. Kevin Spacey is typically (almost mundanely) good as Gore strategist, Ron Klain and I enjoy Tom Wilkinson (as Bush’s) a little more every time he pops up in a movie. The top performance, though, is from a practically unrecognizable Laura Dern as flighty, clueless, self-absorbed Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris. Things start to drag a little in middle and unfortunately we know how it ends but for a political movie, it’s more entertaining than most.
**1/2

FANTASTIC FOUR, THE (2005)
Jessica Alba can’t act, Dr. Doom is about as menacing as a the Tin Man, the sfx are unimpressive and The Thing looks a lot like a dried-up clump of crumbling crap, but FF still has a few things going for it. Probably the most kid-ready of the Marvel Comics adaptations, this story delivers the genesis tale of the super team (in space…atomic mutation from a…space thingy…or something) made up of The Thing (Michael Chiklis), Alba’s Invisible Woman, Ioan Gruffudd as Mr. Fantastic and Chris Evans as the Human Torch. There’s a little too much bitchy in-fighting and not enough clobberin’ time, but there’s something sincere about the way the story rolls that’s reminicent of Chris Reeves’ Superman. It’s a fun afternoon diversion that won’t stick with you for very long after the credits roll. **

4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (aka Fantastic Four 2) (2007)
Although I don’t remember anyone clammoring for a sequel, FF2 delivers what the original didn’t — particularly action and better effects. The mysterious Silver Surfer has arrived on earth to ultimately destroy it with his matter-mutating powers. But it turns out he’s really not a bad guy, and with a voice like Larry Fishburne’s and that sleek silvery surf board how could you hate him? Dr. Doom returns as nothing more than a minor plot device. Characters, having been clumsily and broadly defined in the original seem to make a little more sense this time and the authentic comic-booky writing keeps things light and fun. Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman’s wedding is a central focus, filling the comic book movie’s mandatory-seeming love-is-hard-when-you’re-a-superhero-story quota. As forgettable as the original but far more fun and a solid entry into Marvel’s impressive roster of superhero movies.**1/2

Summer Camp(y): Camp Movie Film Festival

MEATBALLS (1979)
Bill Murray is Tripper, a summer camp counselor of the type of misfits you’d expect in a movie like this. Chris Makepeace is the friendless dork he mentors into running a foot race in the annual Olympiad against a rival camp of rich kids. That’s as close as Meatballs gets to a linear plot, but you won’t mind. Probably the most charming of this small sub-genre of late-70s/early-80s summer camp movies (parodied with dead-on snarky affection in Wet Hot American Summer). There’s a surprising lack of raunchiness here and even the sex jokes are of the 8th grade variety. Meatballs is deliciously dated with its tube socks and short shorts– it’s amazing what passed for a good-looking teenager in 1979. Every misfits-overcome-alphas cliché is present especially in the last half hour. But it’s all pleasant enough and the pasteurized comedy is given a welcome edge by Murray in one of the loosest performances of his early career. Director, Ivan Reitman, would go on to direct Murray in Ghostbusters four years later. And check out that groovie title song by Rick Dees(!) Three odious sequels followed (one featuring a cute alien for chrissake!), but watch this back to back with Sleepaway Camp, the aforementioned WHAS and any of the first four Friday the 13th movies and you’ve got one heck of a retro-summer-camp film festival. A Meatballs remake is announced for 2010.
***

CABIN FEVER (2003)
There were rumblings that this was going to be the next great horror movie. They’d said that about House of 1000 Corpses the year before and that sucked too. A flesh-eating virus ravages a bunch of unlikable college characters that clearly deserve it. Without a single genuine scare, it is content to go for the shocking gross-out instead – There’s at least one really great one. Every plot point is convoluted and the characters only do implausibly stupid things. This movie makes the mistake of thinking it’s way smarter than it is, but it really should just get over itself. It nods its head at so many horror movies that it’s practically having a seizure. It also sports the worst ending of any movie the Gill Man saw in 2003. There’s tons of gore but that doesn’t save it from being a pretty joyless movie-watching experience.
*

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 3 (1982)
Jason finally puts on the hockey mask for Part 3 which was originally released in 3D during America’s very short lived re-interest in it in the early 80s. At the time of this writing, no one has bothered to release any of these movies (Jaws 3, Amityville 3 or Spacehunter, to name a few) in 3D on DVD. A shame really, especially in this case where it could significantly up the appeal of one of my favorite installments in this otherwise over-appreciated series. The plot is what you’d expect, but the killings are a bit more jarring and the plot, slightly more coherent (future installments would blow that, however). Tracey Savage, who gets a nice nudie shower scene in before her inevitable demise, became the local weather girl on our CBS affiliate in Dayton, where I grew up – a fact that gave me a considerable charge at the time.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)
The fact that this is still considered a Friday the 13th knockoff gets me riled. It might not exist without the success of that franchise, but it’s got far more to offer than any entry of that tired series. Little Angela is sent off to summer camp with her cousin and people start dying. Most of the kills have it coming, but there’s no masked stalker to be found here. This killer is left to the last truly terrifying few moments before the credits. A guy is killed by bees on the crapper. A bitch counselor is assaulted with her curling iron. (Eesh. Don’t ask.) There’s a pretty nifty bow and arrow effect. There’s even more to love when you consider the authentic 80’s camp-movie feel, the outrageously dated wardrobe and the sublime performance of young Felissa Rose as Angela. But the climax is the real attraction. As a twist ending, it may set a precedent of sorts. As a shocking image, it’s a doozy. As an 80’s horror film, Sleepaway Camp is a classic. Or it should be.
***

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2 ( 1988 )
Where Sleepaway Camp played it campy but relatively straight, it’s sequels decided to go for lame comedy and cheap-looking gore (but plenty of it, to be fair). The story of the first film is alluded to and Angela is back – but it’s not OUR Angela. It’s Pamela Springsteen (yes, Bruce’s sister) and her shrill performance as the camp counselor from hell is lame and a disgrace as a follow-up to the first film. Regardless, this (along with 1989’s Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland) has a fair share of fans. There’s more nudity in addition to the extra blood, but it’s wrapped around a whole lot of nothing. Sleepaway Camp IV was never finished but unused footage of it is available in the Sleepaway Camp Survival Kit box set put out in 2003, sold exclusively by Best Buy (?!). Return to Sleepaway Camp from the original’s director was announced in 2004.
*

Mondo Monday: Facing My Fear of the Corneal Flap

Corneal flaps. I can’t think of any two words in the English language more disturbing when paired up. (Except maybe “erectile” and “dysfunction”…or “Amy” and “Winehouse”…”Fox” and “News(?)…just spitballin’ here.) Corneal flaps is the term that almost kept me from the life-changing procedure, LASIK vision correction. It’s no secret that the Gill Man has a day job and that day job involves writing copy for miscellaneous (semi-)high-profile clients. Clients I will not name here because I’ve seen colleagues suffer for simply MENTIONING one particular client in his blog. A client that happened to be our agency’s bread and butter (and peanut butter and jelly — hint-hint). That said — one client shed a new light on laser surgery and helped me overcome my repulsion to the very idea of corneal flaps. After writing ad copy appealing to your insecurity re: how retarded you look in your big ol’ dumb ol’ glasses — while wearing glasses, I knew it was time to make a change.

Saturday I went under the laser and finally took the step I’d only ever toyed with in the past. After a 90 minute vision exam to assess my potential candidacy I was invited to go ahead and have the procedure done right then and there. I went for it and now feel compelled to tell the world (read: you, solitary reader) the truth about LASIK: IIIII’M BLIIIIIIIND!!!

Heh. Jay-Kay.

I’m more 20/20 than John Stossel, bitches! …and couldn’t be happier. (Did I mention I went IN, a mole-like -7?)

What a cruel cosmic joke to learn that my eyes carried the potential for good vision all along — but it needed to be unlocked by a laser-blast to the gristly balls of bloodshot tissue we call “eyes.” But back to corneal flaps (sorry.) — so they slip something that looks like an eyelash curler UNDER your eyelids and pry them open in a Clockwork Orange-y nightmare that was probably the most terrifying part of the whole dicey experience. Next they slice your cornea with either a laser (like me) or a METAL BLADE (!) (I shit you negative.) and peel it back (but not off) like an orange rind. Then with a DIFFERENT laser (they looked the same from where I was sitting) they “sculpt” the little vision-making thingies under the cornea — this, to me, is the mystifying magical part — before returning the rind to the orange and squishing it into place. Seriously. There were squishing sounds. Are you gagging yet?

If you’ve ever considered playing Laser Tag with your peepers (pew-pew-pew!) allow me to recommend it whole-heartedly. I went in for my exam at 11:30 AM and was home and relaxing (corneal flaps returned to their original position) by 3 PM. What’s more: there was (virtually) no pain AND I had the unique experience of smelling red-hot laser burning through eyeball tissue (!) MY eyeball tissue(!!!)

After a fairly uncomfortable night of watery eyes and the unshakable feeling that I had something under my contacts (which I obviously wasn’t really wearing) — I woke up to near-perfect vision. I only say NEAR perfect because there was still a soft fuzzy halo around everything — like life was one big soft-focus Barbara Walters interview. A day later, however, the haze is gone and I’m seeing the world without aid for the first time since SECOND GRADE. I’ve been through hard contacts, soft contacts and some seriously ugly glasses. But NO MORE!

Here’s where I pump my fist in the air, deliver a testimonial, and then slip into an improv Sunday-morning infomercial. (”Have YOU forgotten what the inside of your shower looks like? Are you ready to realize your dream of becoming a US fighter pilot?)

I plan to upgrade to X-ray vision next week and spend the weekend hanging outside movie theaters showing Sex in the City.

Upgrade to heat vision, you ask? Now you’re just being silly.

COMING SOON

Truffle Shuffle Tuesdays - vol.1

Before we get started with what I hope to make a weekly feature, I’d like to take time to present some great search terms that have led some obviously interesting people to the Lagoon. From this week alone:

• “sadistic asian girls”
• “nunsploitation porno”
• “villain, head encased in glass”
• “real life scary christmas stories”
• “nude laura gesmer”

ALLAN ARKUSH ANTICS
Allan Arkush has spent the bulk of his career directing kazillions of episodes of popular TV series, from Heros to St. Elsewhere. But it’s his checkered movie resume that interests us. Here are some of his more noteworthy (though, not necessarily good) credits.

ELVIS MEETS NIXON (1997)
A sweet little gem of a historical footnote. Whether it’s accurate or not, this fictionalized account of Elvis’ 24-hour jaunt from Memphis to Washington to L.A. then back to Washington — all so he can talk then-prez, Nixon (familiar character actor, Bob Gunton , giving an over-the-top Nixon performance second only to Dan Hedaya’s in Dick) into appointing him “Federal Agent-at-Large” in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. Nixon agrees to the meeting as a desperate attempt to connect with America’s youth who’d already tuned Elvis out years prior. There are some dynamite exchanges here, particularly between E (Rick Peters giving my favorite Elvis portrayal to date) and some L.A. hippies who direct the King to his new album — in the “Oldies” bin. Dressed in a purple suit and cape, armed with multiple firearms and without an entourage for the first time since he was 21, the naive King of Rock ‘n’ Roll hops commercial flights and draws guns in donut shops. That much is true. It all leads to a sweetly hilarious meeting between Nixon and Presley, two icons who were standing at the brink of nearly simultaneous falls to disgrace.
***

HEARTBEEPS ( 1981 )
Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters play extremely creepy looking robots on the lam with a stogie chomping “comedy” robot, pursued by the company that created them and a villainous tank of a supercomputer that looks like an armed Commodore 64 on wheels. The love-lorn bots build a baby bot and make lots of family-friendly robot puns. To say that Heartbeeps is dated is an understatement, but worse, it’s just silly and not remotely funny. In what probably seemed like inspired casting at the time, Kaufman is in TAXI-voice mode doing nothing interesting beyond walking stiffly and attempting to emote from beneath Stan Winston’s upsetting makeup. There’s a reason this big-budget gamble slipped quietly into cinematic obscurity. Cult favorites Christopher Guest, Dick Miller, Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov all make appearances.
*1/2

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (1979)
P.J. Soles (L-U-V her!) and the Ramones (!) rock the halls of Vince Lombardi High in this deservedly labeled “cult classic.” Produced by Corman and directed by Allan Arkush, this musical is jammed full of classic Ramones tunes and enough goofy puns and laugh-out-loud moments (many featuring Clint Howard!) to make this a repeat-viewing wonder and a must in your cult collection. Favorite scenes include teenybopper, Soles’ Riff Randal, smoking a joint and imagining the Ramones appearing in her shower, performing just for her — and the girls’ gym class musical production number of the titular anthem (Sung by Soles with lots of bra-free aerobic dancing). Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel’s performances as Principal Togar and a sympathetic science teacher, respectively, are highlights. Hey, Ho, LET’S GO!
***1/2

CADDYSHACK II ( 1988 )
Probably one of the most head-scratchingly unnecessary and universally reviled sequels EVAH. (Grease 2 takes the gold though.) No one asked for it. No one wanted it…especially not eight years late! Basically Jackie Mason is Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Stack is Ted Knight, Dan Akroyd is Bill Murray and –for better or worse (usually worse)– Chevy Chase is Chevy Chase. Grating and unfunny — C2 is nothing but a boil on the butt of the over-appreciated 1980 “classic.”
*