F – “Faster, Pussycat…” to “Friday the 13th”

FACULTY, THE ( 1998 )

FANTASTIC FOUR, THE (2005)
Jessica Alba can’t act, Dr. Doom is about as menacing as a the Tin Man, the sfx are unimpressive and The Thing looks a lot like a dried-up clump of crumbling crap, but FF still has a few things going for it. Probably the most kid-ready of the Marvel Comics adaptations, this story delivers the genesis tale of the super team (in space…atomic mutation from a…space thingy…or something) made up of The Thing (Michael Chiklis), Alba’s Invisible Woman, Ioan Gruffudd as Mr. Fantastic and Chris Evans as the Human Torch. There’s a little too much bitchy in-fighting and not enough clobberin’ time, but there’s something sincere about the way the story rolls that’s reminicent of the Chris Reeves’ Superman. It’s a fun afternoon diversion that will won’t stick with you for very long after the credits roll. **

FANTASTIC FOUR 2 (see 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer below)

FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965)

FIEND OF DOPE ISLAND, THE (1961)
Hard stuff for 1961 even in the realm of exploitation – but leave it to producer David Friedman. A tropical Caribbean island serves as a drug and gunrunning port for a blustery bull-headed ass (or fiend as it were) that rules his slave labor with an iron fist and a leather bullwhip. There’s dissent among the rank and file smugglers though and when “Yugoslavian bombshell” Tania Velia shows up as entertainment (complete with surprising nudity!), all hell breaks loose. Legitimately suspenseful and deliciously over-the-top, Fiend has everything a guy like me could want- pot, guns, scantily clad dancing girls, jungle locals and lots of hand-to-hand combat. Fairly dark but a fun watch and a happy ending saves the day.
**1/2

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC (1987)
It’s hard to imagine anyone associated with this hilarious mess expected it to be taken seriously. The concept – turning one of the most popular study hall sneak reads of 80s teens into a major motion picture – was a natural. But with source material this over the top, you’d better find someone who knows how to direct camp. Instead the tale of four doe-eyed bastard siblings who are held prisoner in the attic of their crazy grandmother’s mansion, plays like Brittish melodrama as written by Joe Esterhauz. Louise Fletcher chews the scenery as the grandmother but looks kind of embarrassed (this, from the star of The Exorcist II and Brainstorm). A pre-Buffy Kristy Swanson plays the elder daughter, but no one can make this dialogue sound good. The book’s incest themes are all but absent – though there is one lingering stare from big brother at bath time. Not completely without merit, this qualifies for the perfect movie to watch with friends at 4 o’clock in the morning when everyone’s sense of humor has started to flag. Bad cinema is rarely this delicious.
***

4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (aka Fantastic Four 2) (2007)
Although I don’t remember anyone clammoring for a sequel, FF2 delivers what the original didn’t — particularly action and better effects. The mysterious Silver Surfer has arrived on earth to ultimately destroy it with his matter-mutating powers. But it turns out he’s really not a bad guy, and with a voice like Larry Fishburne’s and that sleek silvery surf board how could you hate him. Dr. Doom returns as nothing more than a minor plot device. Characters, having been clumsily and broadly defined in the original seem to make a little more sense this time and the authentic comic-booky writing keeps things light and fun. Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman’s wedding is a central focus, filling the comic-book movie’s mandatory-seeming love-is-hard-when-you’re-a-superhero-story quota. As forgettable as the original but far more fun and a solid entry into Marvel’s impressive roster of superhero movies.**1/2

THE FLY (1958)

FORBIDDEN PLANET (1965)

FREAKS aka Natures Mistakes (1932)
Tod Browning’s ode to the misunderstood may be one of the more upsetting movies you’ll ever see. Riding the success of Dracula, Browning was given the opportunity to make Freaks for MGM. The result was considered an unreleasable disaster and MGM pulled their support assuring that the movie was barely seen at all.. Equal parts art and exploitation, the film gives a behind the curtain look at the circus sideshow and is cast with the genuine articles: bird ladies, human skeletons, Siamese twins, a human torso, pinheads and a handful of midgets and dwarves. The story involves Hans and Frieda, two engaged midgets with thick German accents who are being torn apart by the beautiful trapeze lady who, conspiring with the strongman, hopes to seduce Hans out of his fortune. The engagement party scene is a true classic horror of American cinema and incidentally the inspiration for a Ramones song. It’s pretty amazing how shocking this movie still is so many decades later. Imagine MGM’s initial reaction to their investment! There are far more upsetting sights but something about “pinheads” (pitiable though they are) that me have to look away. For a bonus horror, note that engaged midgets Hans and Frieda are played by Harry and Daisy Earles: brother and sister. Some of the dialogue (especially Hans’) is incoherent, so much so that even the closed captioning gives up in places. The tacked-on happy ending was filmed later, but I found myself thankful for it. How could you not root for these adorable midgets? Freak highpoint: Watch a man with no arms or legs roll a cigarette, light it with a match and smoke it!
***1/2

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 3 (1982)
Jason finally puts on the hockey mask for Part 3 which was originally released in 3D during America’s very short lived re-interest in it in the early 80s. At the time of this writing, no one has bothered to release any of these movies (Jaws 3, Amityville 3 or Spacehunter, to name a few) in 3D on DVD. A shame really, especially in this case where it could significantly up the appeal of one of my favorite installments in this otherwise over-appreciated series. The plot is what you’d expect, but the killings are a bit more jarring and the plot, slightly more coherent (future installments would blow that, however). Tracey Savage, who gets a nice nudie shower scene in before her inevitable demise, became the local weather girl on our CBS affiliate in Dayton, where I grew up – a fact that gave me a considerable charge at the time.
**

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINING ( 1985 )
After slaying Jason in the last five minutes of the “final” chapter, Tommy, it seems, has inherited the hockey mask and homicidal tendencies. It’s hard to have anything left but a big “whatever” for any of the plot contrivances thrown our way by now. Has there ever been a franchise so blasé about creating it’s mythology? Save the early axing death of a chubby retard, there’s little to keep even fans interested here. The gore started slipping in part four, and there’s even less here. Things won’t really look up until Jason to Hell.
*

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD ( 1988 )
So stale was the series at this point that they begin to crib ideas from the Nightmare on Elm Street series. There’s a psychic girl here…or telekinetic…or something. Her gift gives her more inexplicable powers than Superman’s in Superman II. Of course there’s a showdown – this time electricity is employed to kill Jason, who is already a zombie. What?! If she can telekinetically direct a live power line to light Jason up, why can’t she telekinetically chop him to bits with a drawer full of steak knives? Even though it’s the best written of the series up to this point, it’s still lame crap by any other standards. Made me really want to curl up with a nice copy of Carrie and Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors.
*½

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989)
Worthless in just about every regard. It’s amazing that this inexcusable piece of shit got a major studio release. There’s not much to say besides, most of it takes place on a cruise liner traveling from Crystal Lake to Manhattan (?!). There’s very little time spent in the big city, but that’s among the least of this boring slasher film’s offenses.
*

FRIDAY THE 13TH—THE FINAL CHAPTER (1984)
The series’ commercial stride begins here and ends with Part VI. Noteworthy for performances by Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman, this “Final Chapter” is no such thing. Feldman steals the movie in it’s last five minutes in the anti-climactic “twist” ending that sets us up for another sequel despite the label slapped on this one. Teens take showers, watch movies, run, get killed. As with most of the Jason series the only scares come from score crescendos used to startle the beejeezus out of you, usually during a fake-out where nothing is really happening. I fucking hate that.
**

FRONTIER(S) ( 2008 )
This French-made blood bath follows the familiar (and reliable) Texas Chainsaw Massacre template. On the lam after a heist during a riot sparked by a controversial Franco-election, four young criminals (one a pregnant, guilt-crippled girl) find their way to a peaceful-seeming (seeming!) inn, en route to Amsterdam. Unfortunately for them the place is thick with cannibal Nazis living in a bizarre familial cult. Within the first half hour the gore-splattered survival horror begins and there’s little time to breath on the way to the ultra-violent, though thought-provoking finale. Frontier(s) scores big with beautifully cold earthy cinematography, effectively inducing dread. There are plenty of visceral thrills and enough smart surprising moments, great characterization and solid performances to make this a stand-out not to be dismissed as the kind of torture-porn crap pushed by Rob Zombie and Eli Roth.
***