H – “Halloween” to “House of Wax”

HAIRSPRAY ( 2007 )

HALLOWEEN (1978)

HALLOWEEN aka ROB ZOMBIE’S HALLOWEEN (2007)

HALLOWEEN II (1981)
John Carpenter should be ashamed of having anything to do with (co-writing) this sequel. The direct follow-up to one of the greatest horror movies in history plays just like the rip-offs it would inspire forever. Taking up right where part one left off, Michael Myers is still chasing Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie. Most of the action takes place in a hospital and Laurie limps around doing that warbley Jamie Lee cry. To explain why Myers is now preoccupied with Curtis specifically, the contrivance of making them siblings is established (There’s no explanation for why he’s killing everyone else of course.). It feels forced and there’s no hint of it in the original, but it would lay the groundwork for the rest of the sequels (‘cept III). For a mindless killing The Shape is pretty evasive and sneaky. There’s a good surprise hit and run that’s attached to a nice in-joke gag in the last reel. A woman’s face is boiled in a therapeutic hot tub. Donald Pleasance digs his heels in for two more sequels – a twilight career spent doing monologues about “pure eeevil!” As early-80s horror goes, this is pretty standard. As a follow up to Halloween, it absolutely sucks.
**

HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS aka Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Michael Myers has always been more adept at making marginally entertaining sequels than Jason Vorhees (Freddy trumps them both) and part six is one of the more interesting efforts – even though it’s still pretty low rent and ridiculous. The biggest mistake this franchise made was giving Mike a back story explaining he’s the brother of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie, the tormented babysitter from the original. This begat a trifecta of hack-jobs in IV, V and VI - each of which build off this familial conception and beat it to death. Michael was after his niece and then his niece’s baby and now we’re told there are Druids, cults and a “man in black” involved. It somehow manages to be both dumbly simplistic and head-scratchingly complicated all at once. This makes for a very busy sequel that doesn’t have the resources or talent to support it. A few things are done right however. Some of the series’ most graphic killings are here for one. The decision to bring back little Tommy Doyle, all grown up and obsessed with Michael Myers, was a good one. The decision to cast Paul Rudd in the role was an even better idea. The fact that Haddonfield no longer acknowledges Halloween is clever. Cutting out some of the more ridiculous plot elements and streamlining the story could have left us with a solid sequel. The dialogue is painful in places and as usual, there’s no explanation for how Michael is able to pop up in multiple locations in scenes that often seem to occur simultaneously. While watchable and slightly better than II, IV and V, the Curse of Michael Myers is still a mess. The absence of Danielle Harris as Jamie is felt. A frail-looking Donald Pleasance gives it his all once again, and is given more to do than talk about “eeeevil.” He died before production wrapped and the movie is dedicated to him. A little splash of unsatisfying nudity pops up in the middle of movie. Two sequels, that only acknowledge parts one and two, followed. The director, Joe Chapelle, is also responsible for the surprisingly competent Phantoms with Ben Affleck.
**

HARDCORE COLLECTION, THE

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY ( 2008 )

HEARTBEEPS (1981)

HEATHERS

HELLBOY (2004)
Director, Guillermo del Toro’s (Mimic) superhero fantasy plays out without all of the pomp and circumstance associated with other tights-clad heroes, despite the fact that Hellboy’s mythology is far more fantastic and gothic. Hellboy is a normal Day-Glo-red stone-handed demon living among humans and working for a paranormal research branch of the FBI. John Hurt is the kindly keeper of the fed’s underground freak show and has raised Hellboy as his son. Hellboy loves cats and eats gigantic bowls of chili. The story revolves around the second coming of Rasputin (!) and his mission to bring Hellboy back to the dark side in an effort to blah-blah-blah. David Hyde Pierce has an uncredited role as the voice of Abe Sapien, a nifty-looking psychic fish man. Selma Blair is underused as Liz, Hellboy’s firestarter love-interest. By the last half hour the plot (the movie’s weakest attribute) gets tangled up in itself, but there’s a thread revolving around unrequited love that keeps us interested. Ron Perlman’s performance manages to convey both a teen-like naiveté and a hero’s selfless leadership, making Hellboy one of the more human non-human heroes in cinematic history. The special effects were some of the best of that year. A director’s cut is available on DVD. A sequel was announced early in 2005.
***

HELL HOUSE (2003)
Creepier than just about any horror film you’ll see, this surprisingly fair documentary chronicles a Texas fundamentalist Christian high school’s annual Halloween event – putting on a haunted house to scare you into Christianity. Taking us from the deadly serious audition process to the Oscar-style awards ceremony they hold after the fact, this subversive little film has lots to say, and it’s all in the editing. Some of it is far more sad than it is disturbing – like the clearly gay father who performs along side his children in haunted house vignettes showing homosexual teens burning in hell and scenarios portraying the evils of the Internet (his wife left him for a man she met online). An entire community of well-meaning people who seem to be choking on denial and repression have way too much fun acting out the things they’re condemning. An ex-raver takes it upon himself to direct the date-rape drug/rave scene and suspiciously reveals an awful lot of knowledge about how date rape drugs work. Rooms of Hell House include screaming bloody abortions, suicides and Columbine-inspired classroom shootings…all in the name of God. The director takes special care to not make fun, manipulate the truth or judge. The primaries speak for themselves and what they have to say is plenty disturbing. Worse yet, the concept of Hell House has been franchised so that you can expect to see them popping up all over the Deep South every fall. A powerful and entertaining documentary.
***

HILLS HAVE EYES 2, THE (2007)

HITCHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY (2005)

HORROR HOTEL aka City of the Dead (1960)

HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964)

HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES, THE (1959)
Peter Cushing is the sly, slippery and impossibly intuitive sleuth in the second adaptation of what is arguably Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s most popular Sherlock Holmes mystery. The Baskerville curse is set to fall upon Christopher Lee, in a rare wimpy (though well-played) role as Sir Henry Baskerville, last of Baskerville’s. There may or may not be a hellhound killing folks on the moors at night. Is it related to the curse? If not, who is the murderer? Will Lee survive to rectify the family’s reputation? Holmes is on the case with a surprisingly dignified Dr. Watson (Andre Morell). This swift-moving mystery has some nice set pieces and Cushing makes a smart Holmes. HotB was produced by Hammer studios and features a few dabs of that signature orange/red stage blood.
** ½

HOUSE (1986)
William Katt (aka The Greatest American Hero) moves into the old house he’s inherited from his aunt to write a novel based on his experiences in Vietnam. Before long he’s pestered by unexplained occurrences all generated, evidently, from the house itself. There’s a blue-faced hag and Richard Moll (Night Court’s Bull) as a menacing ‘nam soldier zombie. George Wendt (Cheers’ Norm) steals a few scenes as s a nosy neighbor who assists Katt in combating his demons (Strangely, fellow Cheers-alum John “Cliff” Ratzenberg plays a similar comedic role in the sequel.). For a horror-comedy (very difficult to pull off) House does all right, though there are some major tonal problems. Katt makes a sympathetic hero and would return in a different but similar role in the confusingly titled, House IV. House was followed by the essentially unrelated House II: The Second Story, which was followed by the absolutely unrelated Horror Show which was released overseas as House III: The Horror Show, which was followed by the aforementioned straight-to-video House IV – which confused U.S. audiences who didn’t know a House III ever existed. Got it?
** ½

HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987)
After the modest success of House comes a sequel that no one saw despite a wide theatrical release. Of course when a movie’s most recognizable star is Cliff from Cheers it’s doomed to obscurity. Thing is, of the entire confused House series, this is easily the most spirited and inventive. Combining elements of 50s-style prehistoric adventure with old West cowboy action and ancient haunted house clichés House II manages to create a flawed but fun fantasy that is almost wholly unique. It’s not much of a horror movie though. Arye Gross is the new owner of an inherited family mansion that is also the portal to…um…other worlds. There’s some nonsense about a magic Aztec skull and a “cute” couple of creatures that function as poorly-designed distractions. Television character actor, Royal Dano, is fun as Gross’ recently exhumed miner forty-niner grandfather. John Ratzenberger (Cheers’ Cliff) shows up in a funny role similar to the one played by barstool buddy, George Wendt in the original House. Bill Maher appears in a supporting role. Though awkwardly executed, House II has a lot of you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me moments that are sometimes inspired and sometimes unbelievably weird. I happen to own a Marvel comic book tie-in for House II from my less critical youth. How’s that for an obscure and unwanted comic book collectible?
** ½

HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (2003)
There’s a reason “musician” Rob Zombie’s notorious movie sat on a shelf for two years before getting a distributor and release – and it’s not that it was too scary. Four very unlikable college students break down close to the home of a family of sicko psycho killers. Sound familiar? After that…chasing, screaming, torture and butchery. There’s no story, just a bunch of “shock” scenes thrown at the wall to see what sticks. Not much. Bill Moseley, as Otis, has long stringy Riff-Raff hair instead of the steel plate he wore in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Part 2. He doesn’t just kill cheerleaders; he makes them endure long rambling speeches first. Karen Black, as the family matriarch, hits a new career low. She cackles and winks her way through the film while Zombie’s real-life wife, Cheri Moon, screeches, pouts and – God help us – lip syncs to “I Wanna Be Loved By You.” Zombie seems to sabotage any promising moments with misplaced comedy and random brutality without a cause. (At least Chainsaw’s Sawyer clan turned their victims into sausage). Corpses was clearly either destroyed in the editing room or written during its production. Zombie has packed the mess with way too many characters (and nowhere near 1,000 corpses incidentally) all of whom seem to be the exact same degree of crazy and the same calibre of mean. The crazy family is given no back-story or context (which might have worked in the film’s favor in more capable hands), which keeps the any character from ever being more than just another freak with an ax. It might seem edgy to follow some bud-um-pum zingers with an uncomfortably long look at the naked body of a dead young girl, but its that frusterates most. More often than not the jokes keep the horror from working and vice-versa. Zombie shot and cut this as if he were attempting to channel Oliver Stone. The flashes, reverse photography and quick cuts become grating almost immediately. A protracted scene in which Otis is holding a cop at gunpoint is supposed to illicit suspense – and then, just when you expect something interesting to happen, it doesn’t. I’m sure Zombie thought the sadistic, no-holds-barred violence in Corpses made it more badass – but sadly, its greatest crimes are that it’s a big loud bore and that it thinks its something its not – primarily scary. Someone should urge Zombie to resist dropping clips, “homages” and references of better movies into his films so as not to beg comparison.
*

THE HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944)
House of is Universal’s fourth Frankenstein sequel (following Bride of, Son of and Ghost of) and marks Boris Karloff’s return to the series, this time in the role of an escaped convict/mad doctor who, with his inconsistently creepy hunchback assistant, hijacks a traveling snake oil “doctor” who just happens to be carrying the genuine remains of Count Dracula on his wagon. After getting rid of the doc, Karloff assumes his identity, traveles the countryside and inadvertently resurrects the Count (John Carradine!). Eventually the patchwork tailors of this full-budget schlocker manage to integrate the Wolf Man (Lon Chaney Jr.) and finally, the Monster (Glenn Strange). Universal was attempting to breath new life into the series (either that, or squeeze every ounce of public interest out of it) by throwing all of it’s marquee monsters into the same pot at once. The results are as ridiculous as you’d probably expect: the same medical secrets that bring the monster back to life might also cure Chaney of his werewolf curse (?!) Karloff’s performance is high-camp and Chaney plays it straight with a familiar furrowed brow. But for my money, this is all mostly good. Throw in some gypsies and some doomed hunchback love and you’ve got…well, something weird that bares little resemblance to its original source material. **1/2

HOUSE OF WAX (1953)

HOUSE OF WAX (2005)
A remake in name only, this House of Wax has virtually nothing in common with its namesake. A truck full of unlikable college students gets sidetracked on their way to a football game. They come upon a deserted one-road town where a pair of brothers (separated Siamese twins!) hunt down wayward travelers, encase them alive in hot wax, making them permanent residents of the ghoulish full-town exhibit. There’s lots of explicit gore. A finger is clipped with bolt cutters and a still-living kid has his faced ripped off. Paris Hilton makes her much-publicized feature debut and holds her own with the other bad actors. She does a sexy PG-13 striptease and spends a lot of time being viewed through the lens of a video camera (Prolly an acknowledgment of her famous homemade porno.) After a very slow start HoW starts to pay off with some nice set pieces and nasty kill scenes. This house of wax is actually made of wax, which makes for an interesting if implausible climax. Though conventional by most horror standards, this movie makes up for story and characters with beheadings and impaling- not a bad trade.
**½

HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN, THE (1962)
A kooky moon shining granny (Bob Creese in drag imitating Jonathan Winters in drag) runs an all-girls finishing school. She keeps her bootlegging in the basement with her pet werewolf. There are other monsters thrown in to the mix for no good reason at all. The movie’s centerpiece is a spiked-punch party that gets “crazy.” Essentially this a run-of-the-mill nudie cutie with a pretty nice assortment of students who barely bother with clothes at all.
**

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959)