Skates, Skirts & Skillz

Greetings and glub-glubs from the murky bog.

One of my favorite Cleveland institutions is Suite Lorain — a mecca of antiques and collectibles and the Gill Man’s number one source for tiki exotica. I find all things tiki and tropical irresistible so naturally the Lagoon is tricked out in tiki masks, Hawaiian souveniers and hula haberdashery. It had been a long time since I’d treated myself to a trip to SL so it’s no surprise that last weekend’s excursion yielded great rewards. The best of which is this: a wind-up musical hula girl in perfect condition.

Hula Girl

It’s authentically “made in Hawaii” and looks to be from the 60s, though dating it will be challenging. She makes an outstanding contribution to my collection and should mesh well with Kiki: the naked Polynesian velvet-painting girl, my Creature of the Black Lagoon figures and Sheldon, the bottled baby shark. She needs a name though. Suggestions? …anyway…had to share.

And now, a word about girls on roller-skates.

Cleveland’s fledgling roller-derby organization, The Burning River Roller Girls, is really starting to make a name for itself as scrimmages give way to public bouts like the one that had a sold-out crowd on their feet on the 22nd of last month. It’s the girls’ inaugural season and the four Cleveland teams will be going head-to-head with one another over the course of three more bouts, a semi-final and a championship match. I attended the first (“Maiden Massacre”) last month primarily to support the Gill Man’s long-time amiga, Vix Smackey (aka Sydney), team captain for The Rolling Pin-Ups. Their team logo crosses 50s housewifey-ness with hubba-hubba pin-up hawtness and a twist of psycho badassery. (The slogan on their tees: “Honey, I’m Homicidal.”) The other Cleveland teams are The Cleveland Steamers, The Hellbombers and, hilariously, the Hard Knockers(!). If you’ve never been privy to such rink-wrecking madness I suggest you get familiar aaaand how. And if you’re a moustache-twirling cad like the Gill Man, you’d be insane not to snatch up a ticket for the next match: “War By the Shore,” Saturday, May 19th @ 6pm.

The Gill Man is no sports fan by a long-shot, but derby had me cheering and clapping and hollerin’ for more. The girls are hella tough and are not fucking around. At break-neck bra-strap-snapping high speeds these ladies whip around the rink violently knocking their adversaries to the ground or sending them skidding out of control into the startled, but welcoming laps of fans tough enough to brave the suicide seating (That’s what they call rink-side floor seating and it’s as close to the action as you can be without actually competing.) Dare I risk a good ass kicking by mentioning the uniforms? Short skirts for maximum mobility, lots of plunging necklines and plenty of panties-clad bum exposure. If you, like me, realize that this sport was made for you, then what are you waiting for? Show the ladies some support by buying a ticket for the next bout and find a place on the floor next to yours truly.

Here’s a picture of Vix and her boy toy at last month’s bout. Dig the tee-shirt. I want one.
Vix of BRRG

Go to for more about BRRG and upcoming bouts.

More Capsule Archive Movie Reviews, Weird TV and a Veronica Mars Update on the way…

~ by Number5ive on May 9, 2007.

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