Jennifer’s Body (2009) Reviewed

Megan Fox Acting Face #6

Discussing Jennifer’s Body with Jennifer’s Body:

ME: Jennifer’s Body is about a popular teenage cheerleader who is turned into a demon in a satanic ritual performed by a boy band (which is easily the funniest joke in the whole thing). That’s the plot. A good start, right? Sure! I’m with ya. Now what?

JENNIFER’S BODY: Look here!…Megan Fox! Can you say hottie?

ME: Yeah, I see that she’s Megan Fox and Megan Fox is supposedly the hottest thing since…the last generically hot, vapid Hollywood “it” girl. But can she act?

JB: Well…

ME: Sounds like a no. Okay – what else ya’ got? [JB shows Amanda Seyfried kissing Megan Fox] A lesbian kiss? Oh, that’s fine, thanks. Let’s see. [I watch sexless, passionless, pointless, wedged-in semi-girl-on-girl make-out.] …That’s it? Yeah, I see that’s Amanda Seyfried, who I loved on Veronica Mars, as the put-upon wallflower best friend.

JB: Isn’t she-?

ME: Yeah, she’s real cute. And her name is…Needy? Oh. Because she’s a wallflower (–even though she still looks like Amanda Seyfried). I get it.

JB: Isn’t that funn–

ME: No, I don’t think that’s particularly clever. Does she have a nude scene? [JB shakes head] And neither does Fox? [JB continues shaking head.] This is rated R, right?

JB: But the kiss–

ME: Yeah, you already mentioned the kiss.

JB's reason for existing...not much of a reason at all.

JB: And you like this guy, right?

ME: J.K. Simmons? Oh sure, I like him! -and Amy Sedaris? Cool! Let’s see what they can bring to–…what do you mean, I missed them? I only blinked! Well, what else ya got?

JB: This!

ME: Violence and gore? Awesome. Show me. …Yeah, okay. So you obviously had a nice budget. Congrats.

JB:and an Oscar-winning screenwriter!

ME: Oh, wow! Reall-…Oh…her. No, I didn’t see Juno. And yeah, everyone says I should. Allow me to ask, do the characters in Juno talk like they do in this? All…quippy…and clever?

JB: Dude, it’s like ALL they do. Love it? Amiright?

ME: Well, I guess I won’t be seeing Juno then. So who directed this thing I’m lookin’ at?

JB: [inaudible mumbling]

ME: Who?…No, I’ve never heard of her. What else has she done?

JB: [hands me director’s resume]

ME: Okay…let’s see here…Aeon Flux? Oh, my.

JB: Did you–?

ME: Yeah, I saw that. What else has she done? [consults resume] The L Word?

JB: Do you know what that–?

ME: Yeah, I’m familiar. Look, you’re not helping your case but this is all starting to make sense. Show me something else.

JB: Like this?!

ME: Yeah, that’s kinda’ cool, but I saw that in the trailer. Anything else?

JB: Like this?!

ME: Yeah. That was in the trailer too. So what happens after she becomes a demon?

JB: She kills people. [begins unspooling footage]

ME: Well, this should at least be– Hey. That’s not scary.

JB: But was it–?

ME: Funny? Was it supposed to be? No, it wasn’t funny either.

JB: Heeeyyyy, did you just–?

ME: No, I wasn’t checking my watch. Um…are we done here?

Megan Fox Acting Face #3

JB: Just give me a little more of your time.

ME: Okay [sighs]– she kills people. And then what?

JB: There’s the ki–

ME: Yeah, they kiss. You’ve already pitched the damn kiss. We covered that. It’s out of place, adds nothing to the story and generally makes no sense!

JB: How about the hip toe-tappin’ emo soundtra–?

ME: No, I hate your soundtrack too. Look, I gotta’ run. I thought you had something to show me but I think you have me confused with–

JB: Aren’t you 14? All the kids love Good Charlotte!

ME: Fourteen?! No! I’m in my thirties! Who’s Good Charlotte?

JB: And isn’t Diablo Cody a hip screenwrit–?

ME: No, I’m pretty sure now that I hate Diablo Cody! …and Megan Fox has six facial expressions — which is probably being generous–and two types of line delivery … and I’m going to say it one more time; no one gives a shit about your Penthouse-Forum-for-Tweens kiss … Leave me alone! … Stop following me! ….I hate you!

* one star out of four

~ by Number5ive on February 21, 2011.

One Response to “Jennifer’s Body (2009) Reviewed”

  1. I thought that dress was the best part of the movie. sadly, they had to go and ruin it. Of, BTW, “Juno” is better. It has a bit more, shall we say, substance? Sadly, no faux lezzie scenes a la Jennifer’s Body. At the very least, Juno didn’t steal it’s title from a Hole song.

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